Ok. I’m gonna say it now. That thing I thought I’d never say. That thing I spent thirty some-odd years living in unmitigated fear of. That thing what looked to me like an island prison that the masses willingly turned themselves in to – subjecting themselves to a lifetime of bonded service, drastically restricted options, relentless financial pressure, years of zombie-state days and insomnolent nights, broken relationships, and the loss of personal identity, hobbies, and pleasurable activities in general. And yes, sometimes there would even be torture.
Never, I swore.
And now I’ve drunk the Kool-Aid. I’m on board. That isolated internment camp is suddenly calling to me like a newly discovered continent begging to be explored. What creatures might I encounter? What great cracks in the human psyche? What ecosystems filled with what new and enchanting life? What adventures await in that uncharted territory? Will there be a tribe of people like me? What teachers will I meet? What challenges will they throw at me? What will this new world look like and who will I become in it?
“Why now?” you ask. Why, after years of observing what I took to be the monotonous horrors of Alcatraz, have I suddenly begun to view that island like a wilderness playground? How is it I now desire what I so vehemently swore off year after year? Just who the hell convinced me to drink the Kool-Aid, and where did this act of treason take place?!
Noel. Mexico. Of course.
Because before Mexico added the third dimension to my life, all I saw was enslavement and drudgery. Before Noel brought the missing puzzle piece, I didn’t know that his 1 and my 1 could equal π.
What are you saying, Rachel?
I WANT A BABY.
I’m saying it out loud so that all the world might get the message – despite the fact that this will utterly destroy my identity. An identity I spent decades fortifying. Rachel, the insatiable traveler. Rachel without strings. Rachel, who says “Fuck you!” to convention. Rachel, who is the emblem of freedom.
I’m saying it here for the public because it might just be necessary for me to shout it from the rooftop in order to override the message I’ve sent my lady bits for the last 23 years.
You copy in there, ladies?
I want a child with Noel.
I want to explore the world anew through eyes full of wonder and free of cynicism. I want someone other than myself to be the most important. I want to learn and discover and laugh and cry and love in ways that aren’t about me. I want to blend Noelness with Rachelness to create even more Amazingness.
I want to make a π.